1989-05-04 - Spring Orgo Night
College Library
[Band Marches in to Roar Lion Roar]
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching $20,000,
J. Adam J. Grais - Still praying for Al Paul's dismisal
J. Lyle Zmskind - Still praying for a summer job
J. J. J. Cromer - Still praying for another initial and
J. Salman Rushdie - Still praying
welcomes itself back to decrepit, musty, in need of renovation, but still iconoclastic College Library --- where the men are men and the women are checked out but long overdue --- and featuring tuition on the rise, Dean Pollack on the run, and Larry Wein still dead presents its 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve and to break yet another record for the world's largest, simultaneous ORGO!
[Band plays Who Owns New York]
Recently, it seems radical fringe groups have been complaining about the existence of certain sexist institutions within this university. The groups charge that these establishments promote discriminatory behavior reminiscent of the long-despised "seper ate but equal" policy. The most recent of these groups to form under a funny acronym is SFARBC, Students For A Reformed Barnard College. Dismayed that the male members of the Columbia community have traditionally been unable to get into Barnard, except f or occassional access to the tunnels, the SFARBC's issued a list of demands including the instalation of urinals in all bathrooms at Barnard and an expansion of the required reading list beyond The Unbearable Lightness of Being. While applauding the ere ction of an 18-storey phallus in the Barnard quad, they complain that they have still been unable to get their hands on well built Centennial Hall. The SFARBC's also covet the well stacked Barnard Library and have their eyes on squeezing the last drop ou t of Barnard's endowment. In keeping a breast of recent developments, the Band attended the group's recent candlelight vigil but we were asked to withdraw prematurely from the meeting when it was realized that we were actually SMURFS and not SFARBC'S. In honor of the SFARBC's never-ending mission to achieve sexual equality the Band now plays what all men hear to fill the openings in the Barnard College student body. . . We Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Cum In.
[Band plays Knocking]
Recently, it seems Robert Pollack has resigned from his post as Dean of Columbia College to return to reasearch and teaching. The search committee that has been formed to find a suitable replacement for Dean Pollack recently asked the Band to compile a list of the ten people best qualified to the new Dean of the College. And here they are . . .
10. Tom Kamber
9. Surgeon General C. Everett Koop
8. Larry McElreavy
7. Frosty the Snowman
6. Matthew B. Cooper
5. Professor Eric Hirsch
4. Larry Wein, he's dead you know
3. Cornelius from the Planet of the Apes
2. Rappin' Frankie B.
and the number one person best suited to replace Robert Pollkack as the Dean of Columbia College is . . . Mookie Wilson. In honor of Dean Pollack and just because we feel like it, the Band now plays Wipeout!
[Band plays Wipeout!]
This year in the realm of politics, a major scandal erupted in the Senate when an otherwise routine investigation into the background of a nominated candidate was soon transformed in to an embarassing probe into his personal life. Its seems this candida te had gotten himself into a number of sticky situations and in his personal affairs he found himself caught in one dark, cavernous, hairy situation after another. In trying to get himself into a position on top he had been pumping various agendae for sp ecial interest groups. He was even accused of using his position to impress women, trying to get them to stroke his ego in order to further engorge his already swelled head. On a typical evening out with a female constituent he made it a practice to take her for a beer before dinner and liqour afterwards. Things often got ugly, however, when after a couple of hours in the company of both the bottle and the broad he was reduced to a blithering idiot who would just embarass himself by moaning, "More liquo r, more liqour, more liqour!" (etc., ad infinitum)
So, just who are we talking about here? John Tower and his ill-fated drive to become Secretary of Defense? No, this candidate is none other than campus politico Michael Orlow who's famous rallying cry is "Make love, not War-igia." Yes that that sometime s-bearded, sometimes-yarmukled little elf has once again managed to weasel his way into a place where he just doesn't belong. Expressing our fearful anticipation of what next year's student council might be thinking of doing, the Band now plays the norma l student's response to the ideas of Orlow and company . . . (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band plays Satisfaction]
That's it for Orlow Night, I mean Orgo Night, and we are outta here!!!
[Band marches out to Roar Lion Roar]